Its funny how often I go between my more personal posts. I look back and see in August, I was hoping for life to hurry up and pass me by... and here, in October the sentiments remain. Sometimes I want to make sure my life has counted for something so much... that I cram every experience I find benficial in. So far what hasn't killed me has made me stronger... but Matt would say that my personality type sees it that way. However, 3 years ago I had a boss who reminded me to "enjoy the journey". Recently I've been spending time once a month with a new friend, Teri Hill, and she encouraged the same. It would be such a waste to fill life with experiences if they didn't have any meaning. If I didn't have time to process them, and find the lessons to be learned, to better prepare for tomorrow, but more importantly- to enjoy today.
My memory haunts me, and I've been thinking a lot about Connie lately. I think this is one event in my life that I'm trying to really take apart... to understand it's significance. Having met Connie over the phone because she was interested in helping at the Children's Home, we ended up meeting for lunch twice. Then it was 9 something at night when I got a call on my cell phone. I answered, and she shared she was at the movies with her husband and son. Her son hadn't been told the news yet, but Connie, in her early 40s, Connie, running 3 miles a day... Connie felt she had no one to turn to, and called me to tell the news she got that day - pancreatic cancer.
Several years ago I had a time in life where you ask those questions of why. I was the one student who was dropped from the intern program, with it went my funding for school. At the same time my dad was receiving diagnosis after diagnosis, all begining when I left from home. I felt in some way that the timing had something to do with why he was sick. To make up for the loss of funding, I graduate from college a year early, missing out on the fun with my friends of a senior year. Matt and I got married, and as we landed in Miami from our honeymoon, I called my mom to tell her we were back. It was in the Miami Airport that I found out my mom had found a lump three weeks before the wedding, and it was breast cancer. Meanwhile I lived 6 hours away in OKC, feeling paralized to help my parents. I remember the long drives in the car when all is silent, and I poured out my heart to God. I wondered what good comes from illness, and why this happened to my devout family, who had done so much to live right, even though we never had it easy. I couldn't see what good could come from this. There were days you had to put on the smile, because everyone was so busy in their normal lives, and I craved what it was like to have normal circumstances.
Today, I can't say it all makes sense. But I now have a gratitude for my experience. I would have never had a clue of what the depths can feel like. I never would have known to be so grateful for health, for life, and another day to live for what we take as normal. I try to live each day in love, so that if there's that one person who is going through that valley, and putting on the face, perhaps I can meet that person and meet them face to face in whatever their circumstance. I want to be hope.
I used to have aspirations for leadership, and those visions were about me. I have days that I get sidetracked, but I hope my life is about love. I hope its about lifting others up, and I can't help but wonder- did that come across to Connie?
Connie and I got together often throughout her illness. I saw from a bystandars perspective how she'd. be in so much pain, on so much morphine, and the dumb waiter at Cheddars never knew and couldn't realize how important it was to serve this woman her glass of water, how important it was to cater to her needs. I didn't desserve to be brought so closely to her inner circle, but she let me. I remember the call in early December. I could barely make out that it was Connie's voice, but she needed me. Matt and I jumped in the car. as we got stuck at a light, and Ambulance whizzed by, and I knew we were heading to the same place. Matt waited in the car, as I went in. As the paramedics worked on Connie, she was in such agony and I held her hand. I prayed by her side. She thought she was going to die, and she called me. They took her in the ambulance and I got her things, locked her house, and called her husband to meet us at the hospital. They finally let me back into her room to be with her. She couldn't get comfortable, and I'll never forget that feeling. She just moaned, she ached. There was no relief in sight, and the doctors would come in, state the obvious " you have pancreatic cancer, and it's one of the most painful cancers, and it's only going to get worse. There's nothing we can do, you should have called hospice". I'm not a violent person, but I could have jumped out of my chair as she writhed in pain. Instead, I got up. She had given up on Chemo, so what little hair had grown in, I began to play with and gentle touched her head, her hair, and she said it felt so good. Randy made it to the hospital. I brought him up to speed, and knew I needed to leave to make a work function in a few hours. That was the last time I saw Connie. For the first time in my life, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt- it's a see you later, and for the first time I fully felt heaven was real.
So as I'm determining what direction my life will take, I have to reconcile this experience to my worldview. Did it matter at that moment my leadership skills? No. What mattered is that I loved.
I think that's all I can do for tonight.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Hurry up and pass me by
This year has been one of sorts... For Matt it seems that school can't go quick enough, but with two mini-semesters in the Summer, 4 weeks I'm sure felt like eternity to fit in all the school work. I'm so proud of the dedication he's shown, working from morning until midnight or so on school papers and projects. I know I may be biased, but the commitment Matt shows to getting the job done right, even while in school- well I know any school district would benefit from his partnership.
And so the school saga stretches to now include my world. This past Wednesday was the orientation for the MBA program. I'm feeling more and more comfortable, but am ready to get this journey started. Life will have to change, and I'll have to learn how to commit less, which is the part of leadership I think that isn't talked up much, but a strength to know if you have any plans for longevity in a role. We start up in two weeks, and I'm doing what I can to get prepared. I hope this weekend to do my back to school supply shopping. I don't remember the last time I was this excited to pick out a binder and dividers.
I'm stepping into school on an act of Faith, prompted by the question of "What next?" This year has been filled with levels of success and contentment. I really do love my job. I love my role with my organization, and so I find the question of what next for me professionally doesn't apply too much, because my ambitions of someday working for "the children's home" have been met a bit ahead of schedule. But I am not the person to find contentment in just having met my goals. I need to grow, I need to plan and do more with my time and tallent. I feel it's part of the expectation of living life on purpose and being responsible for the life and time I'm given. So expanding my business knowledge is what I've decided to pursue. I don't know where I'll be when Matt and I do decide to start a family, or where my career here at CAHM will take me, so until then, I'll live by the scout motto- Be prepared.
Last night Matt's great-grandfather passed away. After the last couple of weeks it seems like there has been more than regular accounts of people's passing. A fellow Chaparral and friend of mine lost her eight year old son after suffering a seizure and drowned in his bath. A contact of the children's home was a young man, about my age, who suffered an anurism while working out. He later died. A three year old in my friend's neighborhood was bitten by a rattlesnake twice and died two days ago. I'm seeing too much of death's shadow fall on friends, and it makes me anxious to think how quickly the everyday picture of life can change. Sure many people have a lot of years to live with their spouse, but everyday I'm thanking God I have another with Matt. Its intense to live life with this overshaddowing thought, but it also helps with perspective... to live through love and learning more and more to be empathetic.
Meanwhile, work is feeling more and more like I'm batter's up for a baseball game. Who knows what type of pitch you will get next, but it's all going very quickly. I'm working on some 60th anniversary events, and as life would have it, I'm not seeing that things are going according to plan. I'm at the point mentally where I found myself almost 3 years ago in Istanbul, Turkey, and I say to this bull of chaos- I'm taking you by the horns and you no longer control the situation. I feel very responsible for these events and will do all I can to provide a wonderful outcome for CAHM. Next week has my name all over it, and I will be satisfied with my progress by next weekend.
For now, the I'm in the investigation and waiting to build the sure foundation for where I'll build the progress of next week. And I'll fill my time with the occassional project like creating a children's art work exhibit for the Round Rock Area Arts Council and introducing Debbie to State Rep Diana Moldonado so we can serve homeless single mother veterans and their children, when they return from war. While its amazing to participate in each of these meaningful activities, I'm balancing a need to immediately drop everything to go up to Arkansas for Grandpa Abner's funeral, the prework for my MBA, and everything just makes me wonder how much harder is this going to get to keep family first, and get everything done not just to code or standard, but so that I am proud of my work.
Time will tell, but I tell you, I look forward to November.
November, I will have made it through Yellowstone, hopefully having had trained well and not been eaten by a bear.
November- Ascend program will have completed the day retreat, and we will be on our way as young professionals making a difference in our community.
November, I will have completed a successful dinner and music and arts festival for the community.
November, I will have completed the fall grant writing
November, I will have been in my MBA for 3 months and balance this life transition of returning to school...
November, my birthday will come, and hopefully I will have birthday money to get some new clothes or a nicely used dyson vaccum.
So time- I tell you- hurry up and pass me by- I'm looking forward to November.
And so the school saga stretches to now include my world. This past Wednesday was the orientation for the MBA program. I'm feeling more and more comfortable, but am ready to get this journey started. Life will have to change, and I'll have to learn how to commit less, which is the part of leadership I think that isn't talked up much, but a strength to know if you have any plans for longevity in a role. We start up in two weeks, and I'm doing what I can to get prepared. I hope this weekend to do my back to school supply shopping. I don't remember the last time I was this excited to pick out a binder and dividers.
I'm stepping into school on an act of Faith, prompted by the question of "What next?" This year has been filled with levels of success and contentment. I really do love my job. I love my role with my organization, and so I find the question of what next for me professionally doesn't apply too much, because my ambitions of someday working for "the children's home" have been met a bit ahead of schedule. But I am not the person to find contentment in just having met my goals. I need to grow, I need to plan and do more with my time and tallent. I feel it's part of the expectation of living life on purpose and being responsible for the life and time I'm given. So expanding my business knowledge is what I've decided to pursue. I don't know where I'll be when Matt and I do decide to start a family, or where my career here at CAHM will take me, so until then, I'll live by the scout motto- Be prepared.
Last night Matt's great-grandfather passed away. After the last couple of weeks it seems like there has been more than regular accounts of people's passing. A fellow Chaparral and friend of mine lost her eight year old son after suffering a seizure and drowned in his bath. A contact of the children's home was a young man, about my age, who suffered an anurism while working out. He later died. A three year old in my friend's neighborhood was bitten by a rattlesnake twice and died two days ago. I'm seeing too much of death's shadow fall on friends, and it makes me anxious to think how quickly the everyday picture of life can change. Sure many people have a lot of years to live with their spouse, but everyday I'm thanking God I have another with Matt. Its intense to live life with this overshaddowing thought, but it also helps with perspective... to live through love and learning more and more to be empathetic.
Meanwhile, work is feeling more and more like I'm batter's up for a baseball game. Who knows what type of pitch you will get next, but it's all going very quickly. I'm working on some 60th anniversary events, and as life would have it, I'm not seeing that things are going according to plan. I'm at the point mentally where I found myself almost 3 years ago in Istanbul, Turkey, and I say to this bull of chaos- I'm taking you by the horns and you no longer control the situation. I feel very responsible for these events and will do all I can to provide a wonderful outcome for CAHM. Next week has my name all over it, and I will be satisfied with my progress by next weekend.
For now, the I'm in the investigation and waiting to build the sure foundation for where I'll build the progress of next week. And I'll fill my time with the occassional project like creating a children's art work exhibit for the Round Rock Area Arts Council and introducing Debbie to State Rep Diana Moldonado so we can serve homeless single mother veterans and their children, when they return from war. While its amazing to participate in each of these meaningful activities, I'm balancing a need to immediately drop everything to go up to Arkansas for Grandpa Abner's funeral, the prework for my MBA, and everything just makes me wonder how much harder is this going to get to keep family first, and get everything done not just to code or standard, but so that I am proud of my work.
Time will tell, but I tell you, I look forward to November.
November, I will have made it through Yellowstone, hopefully having had trained well and not been eaten by a bear.
November- Ascend program will have completed the day retreat, and we will be on our way as young professionals making a difference in our community.
November, I will have completed a successful dinner and music and arts festival for the community.
November, I will have completed the fall grant writing
November, I will have been in my MBA for 3 months and balance this life transition of returning to school...
November, my birthday will come, and hopefully I will have birthday money to get some new clothes or a nicely used dyson vaccum.
So time- I tell you- hurry up and pass me by- I'm looking forward to November.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Chicago it is!
Writen by Mandy-
This year is just ridiculously awesome... perhaps I am not building up vacation time, but I feel like I am finally living with all the options for travel! We planned to hike again this fall, this time in Yellowstone, but thanks to Matt's parents, we got to go on a beautiful and economic trip to Pensacola and now the opportunity to join them in Chicago! Love it! I visited Chicago when I was a Freshmen in College, and there are a couple of places I'm hoping to get back to. I'm really excited that this time I'll be inside Wrigley Field to see the Cardinals take on the Cubs.I lost my pictures from freshmen year when my computer crashed, so I look forward to documenting this trip!
This year is just ridiculously awesome... perhaps I am not building up vacation time, but I feel like I am finally living with all the options for travel! We planned to hike again this fall, this time in Yellowstone, but thanks to Matt's parents, we got to go on a beautiful and economic trip to Pensacola and now the opportunity to join them in Chicago! Love it! I visited Chicago when I was a Freshmen in College, and there are a couple of places I'm hoping to get back to. I'm really excited that this time I'll be inside Wrigley Field to see the Cardinals take on the Cubs.I lost my pictures from freshmen year when my computer crashed, so I look forward to documenting this trip!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Pack in the travels!
This last week was spent in Florida at Pensacola Beach with Matt's Mom, Dad, sister and her boyfriend. Unlike our first visit, this trip did not include a tropical storm, rescuing men from the sea, sharks or mandatory evacuations due to an impending hurricane. Rather the days were spent lazily moving from our 8th floor condo to the white sandy beaches to the green clear waves back to the sand... eat... back to the sand... and intermittenly bouts of beach baseball and paddle ball. Two nights were spent chasing crabs with nets. Over all an incredible vacation of rest and relaxation.
Heading out, we drove Friday as long as we could and finally pulled off the highway in Covington, LA. I think the last time Matt and I checked into a hotel by ourselves was just after our wedding, and all the funny feelings of asking for one room with one bed came back... so scandelous after 3 years of marriage...
Saturday we had breakfast and finished the drive in, having the condo mostly to ourselves until Matt's family arrived that evening.
Matt was so good to "take care of his family" by getting us both SPF 90 sunscreen. It's amazing I got any sun at all, but I do give him kuddos as I was in the minority of those who did not get burned.
Matt got to play golf twice with his dad. Matt said he didn't play as well as he'd like one day, and his dad reportedly played pretty well... funny enough they shared the same score.
Thankfully the oil spill had not affected the pristine beaches of Pensacola Beach. However, we were able to witness a lot of the marine life, which I attribute to possibly looking for cleaner waters? We often saw families of Porpoises jumping in the water and slapping their tails. We also learned what cowrays (sp?) are... as they invaded our swimming area. It was great watching them, but made for paranoid swimming.
Our drive home was Sunday... 12 hours! We stopped in Baton Rouge Downtown and ate at Lucy's. Their Brunch was pretty awesome and made us both want to nap. Matt went down for two hours while I took turns with each eye getting an extended blink... eventually my California Eggs Benedict lost it's power and we crossed into Texas, just in time for Matt to take on Houston!
Determined not to miss the final episode of LOST, I called Ashely to DVR the episode and ordered a pizza to meet us at her house (She had been watching Dusty. Thanks Ash!) Got to her place nearly 12 hours after leaving the beach, and after watching LOST we got home at 11:30, and fell in bed at midnight!
It was a great vacation- thanks to Matt's family for making it such a wonderful trip!
Now the question- Chicago or not to catch the cards play the cubs!?!
Heading out, we drove Friday as long as we could and finally pulled off the highway in Covington, LA. I think the last time Matt and I checked into a hotel by ourselves was just after our wedding, and all the funny feelings of asking for one room with one bed came back... so scandelous after 3 years of marriage...
Saturday we had breakfast and finished the drive in, having the condo mostly to ourselves until Matt's family arrived that evening.
Matt was so good to "take care of his family" by getting us both SPF 90 sunscreen. It's amazing I got any sun at all, but I do give him kuddos as I was in the minority of those who did not get burned.
Matt got to play golf twice with his dad. Matt said he didn't play as well as he'd like one day, and his dad reportedly played pretty well... funny enough they shared the same score.
Thankfully the oil spill had not affected the pristine beaches of Pensacola Beach. However, we were able to witness a lot of the marine life, which I attribute to possibly looking for cleaner waters? We often saw families of Porpoises jumping in the water and slapping their tails. We also learned what cowrays (sp?) are... as they invaded our swimming area. It was great watching them, but made for paranoid swimming.
Our drive home was Sunday... 12 hours! We stopped in Baton Rouge Downtown and ate at Lucy's. Their Brunch was pretty awesome and made us both want to nap. Matt went down for two hours while I took turns with each eye getting an extended blink... eventually my California Eggs Benedict lost it's power and we crossed into Texas, just in time for Matt to take on Houston!
Determined not to miss the final episode of LOST, I called Ashely to DVR the episode and ordered a pizza to meet us at her house (She had been watching Dusty. Thanks Ash!) Got to her place nearly 12 hours after leaving the beach, and after watching LOST we got home at 11:30, and fell in bed at midnight!
It was a great vacation- thanks to Matt's family for making it such a wonderful trip!
Now the question- Chicago or not to catch the cards play the cubs!?!
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